Mom guilt unravels so easily in the middle of the night. It can start out with something so simple as your kid getting a cold. One cough after midnight can make a mom’s mind go off on a tangent considering all the how’s and why’s of this simple situation.
“If only I would have gotten him to the doctor yesterday”, “Is it the food I’m feeding her that keeps making her sick”, “If only I had a husband, I wouldn’t have to take the day off work tomorrow. I’m so stupid”. Those are just a few of the mind tricks that can occur when mom guilt over past decisions, current mishaps and common mistakes turn into egregious errors once the depths of her mind takes over in an accusatory tone.
Kiona Williams is one of our speakers at the Annual Brown Mama Monologues show. At it’s core, her monologue on mom guilt is one every mom can relate to and provides everyday wisdom for moms in the dog days of motherhood. Her story reminds me of the depths that guilt over motherhood can take you to, if you allow it.
I’ve been here way too many times, but as I grow in my motherhood journey, I’m also learning to let that ish go. Mom guilt will kill you, if you let it. Maybe not a physical death, but certainly a mental entrapment that can lead to the imprisonment and slow poisoning of a sistah’s most prized possession – her mind. In the spirit of keeping that mental graveyard at bay, here are 10 things every mom needs to remember before she starts down the spiral staircase of mom guilt.
Some sh*t is happening to you and some of it is happening FOR you.
Bottomline sis, some of the stuff in your life is happening to you. Your baby’s daddy might be a real fool. You might not have any money, and too many late bills. You may be living in a jacked up neighborhood. But, one thing I realize is that every being comes into this universe is searching for a special set of circumstances to catapult them to their higher self. Let your life be that. Make all this stuff that is happening to you into the ultimate opportunity to learn, to shift and to grow.
A good friend covers a million sins, and so does a good man
I’ve said it so many times in my book, The Brown Mama Mindset, we have to stop living on mommy island. Good friends and a stable relationship are the stuff a good life are made of. Oftentimes, the cure for mom guilt is simply another perspective. We must stop allowing our minds to lock us up with self-imposed accusations and insecurities that may, or may not, be real. The next time you are experiencing mom guilt call a friend or talk to your husband. Trust in a good friend to help you access your real value versus your perceived value.
Your kid gains NOTHING from your guilt, don’t be a crutch
A mother can either be the liberator of your life, or an oppressor. Being an oppressive mother can take the shape of taking on your child’s ‘stuff’. They earn a bad grade and you blame yourself or are unwilling to admit that children are people who make mistakes too. Mama, do you know that you’re not helping your child by giving them the constant crutch of your guilty conscience to lean on? As a parent there’s a lot you can prevent, but you are also raising and rearing a person, not a robot. He/she is going to make choices, and they are entitled to their mistakes too. Instead of walking down the path of mom guilt next time your kid has a life hiccup, MOVE ON! Make your kid acknowledge their wrong doing and move on from the mistake.
While your sitting their crying over bounced checks, somebody else is cashing in your spare change
In Chapter 3: Stop Losing Your Keys of The Brown Mama Mindset, I talk about how moms are constantly forgetting to count all of our blessings. While we are experiencing frustration with our children, discounting our experiences and blinded to the beauty of our lives, someone else is following the breadcrumbs of your blessings and cashing in. We’ve all been there. We let mom guilt prevent us from thinking straight enough to reap all the rewards that you’ve sown as a good parent and good steward of your life.
Become a Mind Hunter Sis
In Chapter 12: Insecure, of The Brown Mama Mindset, I talk about how we have to become diligent about rooting out insecurity in our lives. This is #bae, if you are going to rid yourself of mom guilt, which is basically insecurity anyway. We’ve got to become mamas who can become surveyors of our own thought patterns. When you start down the mom guilt trail, you’ve got to ask yourself some strategic questions. Like, “When did I start feeling this way” , “Is this thought a reaction to someone else’s behavior” , “Do I really feel this way, or is this a temporary emotion”? When we become mind hunters, mom guilt doesn’t have a choice except to vanish because we’ve become now become the very thing that guilt hates: accountable.
On May 6th, The Brown Mama Shop will close and The Brown Mama Mindset Bundle (the book, workbook and affirmation cards) will be unavailable until…well I haven’t decided when I’ll open it up again. If you’re seriously struggling with mom guilt, you need to hop on over to the shop and purchase a copy of our curriculum for Black moms. Start your journey toward healing from the bumps and bruises of motherhood today.
I hope this helped mama!