It’s the second half of the year and while that means turkey, presents and family, for us mamas it also means a slew of recitals, plays and my least favorite “school performances.” I know you’re probably thinking about how it makes you giggle to see your child breeze, or struggle, through the newest remix to jingle bells, and that’s great. But as soon as I hear the words “school performance” all I can think about is the cookies I will have to eat in replacement of real dinner and the extra 45 minutes I will spend watching someone else’s kid struggle through “Silent Night.”
I will admit to being among the minority of moms who ask her kids “Do you really want to be in that play,” all because I just don’t want to go. You’re judging me right now, but I just don’t feel bad. Here are 5 Reasons I Despise School Performances:
1. Because some kids are just not artistically inclined
There’s always at least four kids in each class who’d rather be somewhere else just like me, and one in particular who wants to perform really bad, but just doesn’t NEED to. You know the kid who forgets all the words and just makes up his own, or the little girl on the far left side of the stage who’s trying her best to get everyone’s attention by doing exactly the opposite of what she should be doing, or the worst is the kid who thinks he can dance, but just looks a whole mess. All the while, the teacher is signaling these kids to try and make this work, but it’s a helpless cause. Class, after class comes to the stage lookin’ like the first three episodes of “So You Think You can Dance.” All the while, they haven’t put the cookies out yet and I’m starving.
2. Because of the Over-Zealous Music Director
You know him or her well. She usually wears glasses, sings every note, waves her music wand to every melody and lowers her head in disappointment when little Jada accidentally begins the crescendo without the rest of the choir. She
works my nerves. Mrs. Choir Director takes each act super serious and shoots you (or at least me) the ‘you betta stop it’ look when I laugh because Monica’s son, Malik, was definitely not born for the stage. This might sound mean, but someone needs to get the wedgie out of her butt. It’s a kid’s play and clearly the majority of these children will not be on Broadway. Someone please send her resume to Berkeley so that we can resume with the child’s play at center stage.
3. Because there’s rarely dinner.
Questions I must ask the Performance Director: Did you not decide to have this play at 7 pm? Did you not realize that 95% of these parents work? Did you not realize that 7 pm is dinner time? Come on with the damn cookies. Cookies do not look like green beans, don’t smell like steak and won’t feel me up like potatoes. Dear Performance Director, if you’re planning to open the curtains between 6 pm and 7:30 then you need to open the buffet directly afterwards. Not all of us has a budget for Applebees after the performance and none of us wants to go home and cook (or heat something up for that matter) at 9:30 pm. Thank you Performance Director, carry on.
4. Next, Because Miming Should Consist of More than 3 Moves & Kirk Franklin Doesn’t Have to Attend Every Performance
Yes I said it! I’m tired of the mimes, and I’m even more tired of KirK Franklin directing the mimes. Furthermore, I don’t think I’ve seen any unique mime moves in the last 12 years since I’ve been attending school plays. It’s always the same moves, similar songs and one mom in the crowd who cannot contain the Holy Ghost anymore. Bless her soul and praise the Lord, but can’t we find another way to do it. For the sake of any other gospel singer, please allow Kirk Franklin, or Fred Hammond, to take a personal day.
5. Because There Should Be a Time Limit
Just like Black church on Sunday, Black school plays are long. It’s time to get the Catholic Church mentality and limit Sasha’s solo to 10 minutes so we can be done in an hour. I know you think your kid has been looking forward to this all semester, but anymore than an hour and he’s ready to go home just like me. Especially since they’re not feeding us. How about we begin electing 4 representatives from each class, you know the ones who actually want to sing and dance and allow them a whole 10 minutes to give it all they’ve got. Let’s see, in a K-5 school that’s 50 minutes and we’re done. In a perfect world, right?
Well needless to say, I have no desire to attend anymore school plays. Unfortunately for me, I still have a kindergartner and a preschooler so my school play attendance days are still in full affect. What kwirky things bother you about school plays?