Riding the bus has been quite an adventure this summer. In the words of my husband, I was sheltered from the endless tackiness that Pittsburgh has to experience when I was cruising in my Nissan Altima. While I’m happy and a whole $360 richer without my car note, I can’t help but notice all of the inappropriately dressed moms I come across. Questions: Are there certain fashion statements that mom’s should just steer clear of. I think so. Here’s to you ill-dressed mamas.
1. Too Much Leopard
Who doesn’t love a little leopard, or zebra or cheetah print. They really make great accents, but you don’t want to look like the actual animal. If you’re going to wear a leopard shirt, you don’t need the pants too, or the headband, or the shoes or the purse. Limit yourself to one animal-print per outfit, or no more than two if they’re small (I’m talking tiny). Too much animal-print is a key sign for men of desperation and alerts the local zoo that an animal has escaped.
2. Shirts and pants with Words on Them
Did you ever think about what the word PINK brandished across your booty makes people think about. (Get the picture?) Well I don’t wanna think about that. My husband says that when he sees pants and shirts with words on them all he can think about is the word in conjunction with the body part. So if you have PEACE across your ass….well you get the picture (PEACE of ____). I’m just sayin’ after you birth children the negative, and usually sexually explicit, advances of men who are reading the sign your posting is not always welcoming.
3. Lip Gloss Be Poppin’
After 30 mamas need lip moisture and lip stick – NOT lip gloss. And if you’re feeling nostalgic and you want a little gloss, don’t go overboard. You’re lip gloss should not be poppin’ like you’re about to jump double dutch, or worse fry chicken on your bottom lip.
4. Rhinestone Denim
This is one of my biggest pet peeves, please stop with the rhinestone denim after 30. By the time your my age and have had a kid or two, your behind no longer needs accentuation. Newsflash: that’s what embellishments on the pockets of jeans are meant to do. They are meant to accentuate and enhance areas where you lack curvaceousness, but after 30 it’s going to be a stretch to find those areas. So ladies, keep your jeans simple.
5. Colored sneakers & other theatrical foot wear
Your feet should not look like you just stepped off the Lucky Charm’s Rainbow once you’re over 30. Blue, green, pink and yellow sneakers are okay in solids if your running, or out for a daily grocery trip, but all about combining all the colors in one…as Tamar says “get ya life.”
6. Mini-Mini Skirts
Ain’t nothing wrong with a freekum dress every once in the awhile. (For grown n’ sexy clubs and late nights out with your man.) But, if you’re gonna follow Beyonce’s lead when you do the scissor legs, or touch ya heels, touch ya toes and ya elbows, we don’t wanna see your cha-cha too. Especially not on a random day at the spray park.
7. A-shirts (or better known to us as wife beaters)
A-shirts, as they are more appropriately called, are no longer shirts for public consumption after 30. The shirts are actually undergarments for men, and no you can’t borrow them on a hot summer day whether to work in the garden or walk to the store. It is plain inappropriate to see any man or woman over even 25 wearing an A-shirt where everyone can see. Plus, ladies we can see your bra through those.
8. Tiaras and other hair gadgets
Long gone are the days of scrunchies. Ladies, once you’ve hit the big 3-0 you need to get over wearing a tiara unless its your wedding day. And let’s face it, after 30 a ponytail pretty much signals everyone in the vicinity that you’re having a bad hair day. So, they should be worn sparingly. I’ve seen all kinds of hair mishaps from giant bows as headbands to wearing bonnets (BTW: DEATH TO ALL PUBLIC BONNET WEARING). Ladies, if you don’t have a regular hair regimen by 30 its time to develop one, and stop using gadgets as hair hiding instruments.
9. Reusable Grocery Bags as Purses
Alright mamas by this point your thinking that if you’re in your 30’s your old…well your not. And your certainly not old enough to become the bag lady. I know it’s easier to just carry one purse sometimes, but sorry to tell you carrying a reusable grocery bag makes you look at least 65.
Hope you laughed. I did!