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Guess what ya’ll?  I got friends!  For such a long time in my life I’ve struggled with making friends.  Believe it or not, I’m somewhat of an introvert.  My favorite pastimes are reading books, watching documentaries and reading more books.  I can seriously spend a whole weekend inside of my own shell and be very comfortable.  But, in all honesty, after two weekends that ish gets boring.

One of the reasons I started Pittsburgh Brown Mamas, a support group for Black mothers, was due to my own need to make friends.  I’ve been on this journey for 5 years now and I finally feel like I’m meeting that goal.  For women, I believe making the right friends is all about becoming a woman who is secure in being herself.

One of the things I’ve experienced as a member of PBM is that most Black women are yearning for friendship.  Not surface friendship, but deep, meaningful, trusting relationships that go beyond girl’s night out and expands into ‘tell me ya business and I’ll tell you mines’ territory.  The biggest issue and barrier to real friendship is that this type of camaraderie is built on trust.

Now I know that most of ya’ll are probably sayin’ “Amen, it is hard to find a sistah you can trust these days.”  But, here’s the revelation I had last week:  Building solid, deep friendships is not just about finding a friend you can trust.  It’s, actually, all about being able to trust yourself enough to be the true you at all times regardless of the friendship’s demands.

It takes time for a woman to become comfortable with being her real self all the time.  What often happens in female friendships is that we are not comfortable enough in our own skin to be a good friend to ourselves, let alone anyone else.  Being a good friend is all about internal security.  Here are some quick examples Mamas:

  • A good friend has no problem saying no to request she’s not comfortable with.  
  • A woman who trust herself and knows her own inner workings has no problem keeping a confidence,  or secret, as she operates on the universal truth of reciprocity.  She knows karmic energy is real.
  • A solid girlfriend is able to both accept criticism, knowing that her eyes do not see all, and is equally comfortable giving her girl ‘the real,’ as she is working toward the uplifting of not only her own spirit, but the peace of all those around her.  
  • A good friend is reliable, has boundaries, seeks out peace and has genuine care and concern for those she deems worthy of knowing her.

But, all of these characteristic fruits of friendship are not spawned by meeting the right friend, they are the result of a woman evolving into oneness with her own divine female essence.  They are created as a woman comes into her own, so to speak.

So, if you’re like me and have had issues in the past making friends, just know that it ain’t them boo.  It’s you.  You have more work to do on the inside.  But, be confident in the fact that God ain’t keeping nothing from you, your Creator is just waiting for you to be ready.

So, Mamas, are you secure enough to be a good friend, or are you still in Netflix and chill till I get myself together mode?

Here’s a video on How Black women can overcome systemic insecurity.

LifestyleMama Motivation

black women friendshipmaking friends

Muffy MendozaAuthor posts

Muffy Mendoza is an author, speaker and founder of Pittsburgh Brown Mamas, a support group for nearly 4,000 African-American moms in the Pittsburgh region. To further fill the void Muffy has created a line of educational products focused on helping Black moms be the best moms, too. Her first book, The Brown Mama Mindset: A Blueprint for Black Moms on Life, Love & Home, was featured at the 2018 Essence Festival and is currently sold in various cities across the U.S. Muffy champions the beauty of Black motherhood everywhere she goes, even on the TEDx stage. Find out more about Muffy on muffymendoza.com.


  • Very good read.. I grew up in a small town, everyone basically like family both black & white. I went to a predominantly white Highschool. So when I moved to Pittsburgh I naturally thought oh here’s my chance to have Sista girls… But as I’m still learning.. Many will be cool or cordial but most unwilling to be friends outside their group… Who knew?? But I continue to be me & maybe those friendships will manifest… Thanks for allowing me to be apart of PBM♡

  • Thanks for commenting sis. Yes, this is a reality in relations between Black women. However, I do believe that anytime ANY WOMAN is having issues with befriending another woman, she must FIRST examine her own heart. What in you in drawing these experiences near? How long have this pattern been occurring and why? I too went to school with white women. I had to admit that I felt a certain amount of distance when it came to engaging with my sistahs. While there was certainly some misbehavior on their part, there was also a wall I was putting up that was keeping me from being able to vibe with them. Bottomline, my mama taught me that any problem YOU consistently have in life is likely your issue, not the worlds.

  • I grew up with white girlfriends. When I relocated to a predominantly black school I started getting jumped, told you think you cute, betrayed left and right. I even watch the black women at work including my boss betray one another. Church same thing. In my family yep. I have never seen healthy camaraderie with black women. Just when I think I have it the rug is pulled from under me.

  • This is so me! I have had a hard time making friends, especially black women:( Growing up I had a lot of black friends, but broken trust has forced me in my shell that I still cling to today. Even at work now, I struggle to connect with black women. I know it is my insecurity, so my question is how did you overcome your insecurity to make friends? Ant advice would help because it has been years since I have had a black friend. Thank you!

  • Oh my gosh! This is so me! For years and years I have struggled with making friends with black women, especially my age. It stems from the trust that was broken from previous friendships with black girls years ago. Even now, I pray for my “tribe” to be shown to me. At work, I feel uncomfortable because I feel as though I don’t fit in with the other black women. What types of things did you do in order to get over your insecurity and be yourself?

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